Happy 5th Birthday Madison

5 years with you.

5 years…that feels strange to write, to say or to even think about. How did time pass so quickly yet the pain feels so raw at times. Life after losing a child is so many things and so much has happened in 5 years. Lots of great things yet one thing that has remained constant is void. At times I try to fight it because acceptance is hard but the last year has been different. Something always feels like it’s missing and it is, yet there has been more acceptance, less anger and resentment, no more questioning the “why me” and overall more positivity. Some days I feel guilty for that and want to hold on to the rawness because it makes it even more real. I guess that’s the thing about grief, it comes in waves and at times, is unexplainable. You long for the initial days where grief hits you hard in the face but then at the same time you want a sense of normal which is more of where I am at now.

Losing a child is one of the worst things that can happen to you. (at least I think so). I feel like I’ve learned so much about myself these past 5 years, mainly how strong I am when I didn’t think I was.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, June 9, 2015 will be a day that forever changed me and as much as I tried not to let it define me, It did. It changed how I live, how I love and how I will spend the rest of my life.

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Madison,

Happy 5th Birthday! How did 5 years pass so quickly? Some days it feels like it’s only been 5 days and other times, it feels like a lifetime ago that I held you in my arms.

For so long I looked back and kept thinking that I have spent 5 years living without you, yearning for the time that I felt was stolen from me, yet I’ve come to accept that I’ve lived 5 years with so much of you. You are always in my forefront and show up in ways that I cannot describe. You may not be physically here but you show up everywhere.

But….sometimes I wonder if this really happened? I have the most beautiful, heaven sent, amazing little boys; however, did I really truly lose you? Sometimes when I’m driving and all is silent, (the kind of silence where all you could here a pin drop) and I wonder to myself, all of the “what if’s”.  Losing you before I had the chance to get to know you will always feel so unfair.

What feels fair though is that God chose me to carry you. I have etched all of your little kicks, jabs, your pointy nose, your soft touch, your scent, & your baby soft skin into my memories.

Your 5th birthday is a hard one to swallow. This milestone feels different. The kind of different where I finally realized that in this lifetime I’ll never see you again. I’ll never get to raise you. You would have been starting Kindergarten this year and that’s been hard to think about. As I see your siblings grow up, I’ll always long for you. I’ll continue to dream of the “what ifs.” But until then, I’ll continue to keep you in my forefront and hope you’re looking down on me and proud.

I love you so very much Madison and I hope you can feel every single ounce of all of my love for you.

Happy 5th birthday my sweet little one 🖤

Love,
Mama