Happy 4th Birthday Madison

I was here. I lived. I loved.

4 years ago today…It pains me to start this sentence that way but it’s a reality that I face daily. My daughter Madison would have turned 4 years old on June 9 and every year the month of June is filled with so much hope and at the same time, so so much pain. It’s not that I don’t think or speak about Madison daily but when the flowers start to bloom and June starts to near, my heart feels all types of heartache that is unexplainable. I’m reminded of that initial rawness of losing Madison where even breathing seems hard. I’m reminded of the time where I felt like the water had run dry and the sun was so hot that I should be drying up but I’m not. I then come back to reality and realize that this is my life. It’s not the one I had imagined but it’s the one that I have.

As a little girl growing up, I have to admit that I was pretty naive. Even into my early 20’s, I felt like I lived in a bubble and was….invincible. Tragedy didn’t really apply to me as it was only something I read about. Babies died? That was news to me.

June 9, 2015 will be a day that forever changed me and as much as I tried not to let it define me, It did. It changed how I live, how I love and how I will spend the rest of my life.

My Sweet Little Madison,

There will always be a longing for you and also gratefulness that fills my heart because you made me a Mom. For so long, I doubted if I even was one. But I carried you and birthed you; You were gone and I was childless so did that mean I wasn’t a Mother? It took me a long time to accept that this was my new normal and I needed to fully succumb to what had happened rather feeling like I needed to conquer climbing over this mountain that I was constantly slipping off of.

When I look at Ethan, I see so much of you in him. His long legs, his thin, long fingers, your tall torso matches his perfectly and how could I forget those toes. I know all of this as I studied every inch of you because I knew I had to etch you in my memory so I would never forget all of these little details. I still remember your scent and how strong your little jabs were every time I drank a slurpee.

One thing that I will continue to do forever is acknowledge you as my firstborn, speak about you and celebrate your birthdays. Your siblings will know you and refer to you as their older sister who will forever be their guiding light. You lit a fire in me that changed the way that I look at life and I will continue to keep you in my forefront as I go through it. This is not at all how I had imagined to be a mother of three but you’ve taught me so much about life but mainly resilience and strangely….peace.

So… Happy fourth Birthday my sweet little Madison. I hope you know how deep rooted my love is for you and I hope you are proud of me. Thank you for continuing to bring all of the blessings that you have into my life especially the gift of your sweet siblings. As much as I wish you were earthside so you physically got to know them, I I realize that you actually do as you handpicked and sent them down for me.

I Love You.

Love,

Your Mama.