A piece of my story & how to help someone who is grieving the loss of a child
You are unsure which pain is worse; the shock of what happened, or the ache for what never will.
Losing a child is so many things. It’s complicated, messy and far from perfect. 6 years ago I found out I was having a little girl and her name is Madison. I remember being SO happy that I was going to have a little mini me. The other day someone said to me “you’re such a great boy Mom”. I felt a lump in my throat and I just smiled at her because was I really going to tell a random stranger that I’m a girl mom too but she’s not here to show for it.
In the last few months I’ve had some DM’s from other Moms who have experienced the loss of a child and I wanted to let you know you are not alone. I still struggle with acceptance of losing Madison, but I’m also here to show you that you can find happiness again and you will get through those first few really hard years.
To me, the loss of a child is the worst thing that can happen to a family. In the past it has been taboo to speak about. Over the last couple of years, more and more Women are starting to open up about it which is nice as it creates a sense of community and makes you feel like you are not alone.
Grief is a strange thing. Some days you almost forget the tragedy that happened to you and other days it hits you hard in the face. I remember soon after losing Madison, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I felt like I was in a place where the water had run dry and the sun was so hot that I should have been drying up, but I wasn’t. The world was still moving along and in a strange way, I was moving with it. I didn’t want to keep moving nor did I want anyone else around me to, but the more time that passed by, I realized that I had to try and live in this new normal.
I went back to work a few months after and I still remember how anxious I felt. I was so scared and kept rehearsing what I was going to say to people if they asked me how I was doing or what had happened. There was this one co-worker who came to my desk with what I think were really good intentions. She brought me a card to offer her condolences. She stood tall over my desk while I sat in my chair holding back my tears. After giving me a card, she went on to tell me that I was really skinny when I was pregnant and there was a new hot dog stand that opened down the street from work and if I ever become pregnant again, I needed to eat more.
I remember at the time my heart sank and I just stared at her. Did she or others really think that I lost my daughter because I didn’t eat enough or for that matter, eat enough hot dogs? I ran to the bathroom not being able to catch my breath and stood in the stall and sobbed. I realized then that grief was not linear and I was in for a long road ahead of me.
Those raw, heart wrenching first few months were so difficult. My family was struggling because they didn’t know how to help me and I didn’t know what to tell them. I didn’t even know what kind of help I needed. The initial pain of losing Madison was so, so deep and how do you fix someone’s heart? Those first few months were such a difficult time and I kept wishing and praying that I would wake up and it would all be over.
Fast forward to a few years later, I am finally able to talk about Madison without uncontrollably crying. I can celebrate her life with gratitude and be thankful that she was even brought into my life. Of course I wish things were different and she was with me. Seeing a tiny silver lining in my tragedy took almost 5 years.
If you’re reading this, I’m here to tell you that you can and will get through the initial heart wrenching pain. You will be different, (how could you not be), but you will figure out how to fit into a new normal. You will find happiness again in the small things and you will be okay. Different, but okay.
Over the years, I’ve learned that there are things you can do and say to help someone who is grieving the loss of a child.
Listen – don’t try to fix anything. In this circumstance, nothing is fixable. Let the person speak, cry, yell or vent. As humans we jump to offer solutions but this is not one of those problems that can be fixed.
Drop off their favorite food. Remember that they are going through all the motions a new Mother would be going through and the last thing they want to do is cook for themselves. Leaving food at their doorstep is great.
Take them for a walk and let them cry or just walk with them and let them lead the conversation.
If they have other children, offer to take them out to the park.
Buy or make them a personalized gift with the name of their child.
Acknowledge and refer to their baby by their name.
Don’t try to offer to keep them busy. Let them feel their grief so they can deal with it directly instead of being distracted.
Don’t say “oh you will get pregnant again” or “it just wasn’t meant to be” or “don’t worry, you will have other kids”. All of these statements hurt and are ones that you want to stay away from.
Check-in with them even after 6 months or 1 year. Grief is not something that goes away. It can get worse with time.
Celebrate anniversaries with them. Again, acknowledge their child even though he/she is not earth side.
I don’t have the answers to it all and can only speak from my experiences. I hope if you’re reading this, it’s helped you even a little bit. If you are grieving the loss of a child, I am sending you so much love. You are going to be okay. Different, but okay.
