Letting go of Mom Guilt!
The fact that you worry about being a good mom means you already are one!
Mom Guilt….this has been weighing on my mind ever since I had Ethan and it’s such an important topic to bring to light as the majority of mamas that I speak with all have experienced mom guilt at some point or another.
I know all of us mamas work so hard to be such great parents to our little babes and when we lose our cool, don’t spend as much quality time as we wanted to with our children or simply check out for a bit because we are so overwhelmed and tired, we feel so guilty! Why do we do this to ourselves? What if we focused more on all of the wonderful little things we are doing throughout the day that keep our kids happy? What if we gave ourselves some of the same grace and forgiveness that we give to our children?
Personally for me, my mom guilt stems from a different place. After losing Madison, I want to spend every moment I can with my kids because my fear drives that. Not really healthy, but it is what it is. I soon came to realize that this just isn’t feasible. This came to light fairly quickly after Liam was born as I wasn’t able to be everything to everyone. I found myself in this weird space of wanting Ethan at home rather than at preschool (which by the way, he loves) because I was so worried about missing moments with him! (que the mom guilt). I’m pretty sure I was driving my hubby mad and I could tell Ethan wasn’t getting the best of me as I was trying to balance the needs of both an infant and a toddler all while trying recover myself. This was a big realization for me. I needed to let him go a little so he could enjoy being with his little friends and give myself time to heal.
Other moments of Mom guilt that I experienced during these past few months with both kids was when I have had blogging events or modeling shoots/shows. I felt so guilty leaving even if it was for a few hours as if I was doing something so wrong. How bizarre is that?!
When I look back at all of those situations, I came back feeling so refreshed, happy and my kids were totally fine with the hubs! I quickly realized that in order for me to be a good mama, I also need to do what fills my cup!
I found I was beating myself up over the smallest things. When the kids were asleep and I would finally shower and unwind, my mind was full of thoughts about all of the stuff that I felt I was failing at rather than focusing on all of the things that I did well that day. It’s strange how our mind constantly thinks about all of the things we need to improve on rather than all of the things that we doing well.
So how did I change my mindset? Read on….
A ritual that Ethan and I have at bedtime is to talk about what the best part of our day was. We have been doing this ever since he’s been able to talk! We sit in the rocking chair beside his crib and after we finish reading books, we just chat. (Ethan is a talker, haha). One particular night, we had a super tough day together as I was under the weather, he was next level cranky and Liam was just 2 months old. While putting him to bed, I apologized to him for yelling at him during lunch and he said “mama, I love you, I had such a fun day”. I thought to myself - wow really? Because all I could think about was how I had yelled at him. He continued to tell me “I love when you take me on adventures, it’s so much fun and I love when you buy me a smoothie and we sit by the waterfall and just talk about things”.
This is when I realized that he was able to just focus on the positive so why wasn’t I? He made me feel like I was his whole world and he was completely able to see the good in our day and in me! I learned a pretty big lesson that day and that was to stop being so hard on myself and realize that I was kicking ass at this whole motherhood gig. One of the many things I love about having children is their innocence. As we grow older, we naturally lose that, but children have a way of showing us that there is beauty in the smallest things in life. (sitting by the waterfall and chatting is one of them!)
What has all of the above taught me? Let go of this crazy mom guilt that most of us experience and realize that we truly are doing the best we can for our kids. Some days are better than others and that will always be the way that it is. I am a work in progress of letting that mom guilt go but I’ve come a long way! Here is a quick summary/recap in case you are in the market of trying to let mom guilt go too!
1. Learn how to be kinder to yourself: Give yourself a break mama! You are doing the best you can. Raising little humans is a hell of a job and at the end of each day, remember you did the best you could have done! Tell yourself daily how great of a job you are doing!
2. Focus on the positive things: Before you go to bed at night, think about all of the small positive things that happened during the day. Think about those little moments, the giggles, the smiles & hugs. Don’t dwell on the little mistakes or how you might have handled a tantrum. Journal 3-4 things that went well during the day so you have it on paper when you need to remind yourself about how amazing you are! Recording videos or writing down the fun and happy moments in your day will definitely help you change your perspective.
3. Make time for yourself: This one is so important! If you can, take time every day for yourself. Whether that is journaling, meeting a friend for coffee, reading a book etc. Fill your cup with the things you love to do so you don’t feel like you are constantly in service of others. For example, my “me time” is usually in the evenings when I can work on my blog, create content for my Instagram or take an hour on the weekend to meet up with a friend for brunch or coffee.
I am a work in progress and I know that there will be moments where I feel it more than others. Generally speaking though, I have gotten SO much better at not being hard on myself and knowing that I am doing the best I can. Things don’t bug me as much as they used too because I’ve been focusing more on the things that I’m doing right, rather than constantly focusing on trying to improve the little things that didn’t go as well!
Wherever you are in your motherhood journey, I hope you are being kind to yourself, focusing on the positive things and making time for just you!
